ack

[lapsedmodernist]

my tickets for russia arrived yesterday; last night i had the second anxiety dream about flying this week. had an argument with my mother last night over the phone about her booking me a non-smoking seat. i know that she hates that i smoke, and normally we practice the don't-ask-don't-tell policy w/r/t that, but considering that she knows (although i am convinced she cannot imagine) what a viscerally terrifying and unpleasant experience flying is for me, she could have fucking gotten me a smoking seat. i don't know how to explain to people who aren't afraid of flying that flying, while afraid, is different from overcoming other fears--in other instances the courage required is just for a moment, to overcome the initial phase, and then voila--victory. i imagine it's more like an unceasing phobia, like claustrophobia, or agoraphobia, which does not get better the more time one spends in an enclosed, or open (respectively) space. for me, a five hour flight is an extended sustained five hour version of those split-second moments at night between sleep and wakefulness when i am sharply aware of my mortality, the kind of feeling sartre wrote about in "nausea," and nabokov brilliantly wrote about in "terror." so on the flight to russia i have 8 hours of that to look forward to. xanax helps some, in the sense that it does not cure that feeling, but it sort of makes me numb to it, like muting the reaction.

Comments

patch, etc.

[ninjaz.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you should look into getting nicotine patches. I've done that before when I've had to spend an extended time without, and it works pretty well. :) You just need to remember that the nicotine keeps soaking in for a few hours once you take it off (and adjust smoking patterns upon landing accordingly). The gum isn't recommended, though, because you're not supposed to swallow while you're chewing it.

Re: patch, etc.

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

really? you can't swallow at all while chewing gum? that's weird. what happens to all the salive? i don't think the patch is the solution for me, unfortunately, since i never have physical cravings for cigarettes (once when i quit for 8 months i did it cold turkey and it was very easy, when i started smoking again it was a conscious decision, not a slip-up), but in stressful situations like flying i have a psychological need for it so a nicotine patch would not really help. i am hoping that once we are up in the air though it will be possible to go into the back of the plane where the smoking section is, and smoke. thanks for the suggestion, though :D

Re: patch, etc.

[ninjaz.livejournal.com]

> really? you can't swallow at all while chewing gum?

I was looking around at the instructions on their website, and I guess it is okay after all. I think I was just confused because it tastes like something you wouldn't want to swallow.

Good luck with the trip, though. :)