and words are like poison

[lapsedmodernist]

This week started off with a mouse inhabtining my bedroom. basically I spent a good party of monday night sitting on my bed in boots, with my legs up, meowing (i am not kidding) hoping that it was familiar with cat sounds and would go away. I think it has relocated to the kitchen.
For some reason I keep reading things this week that are maybe not good for me to read right now. I am hypersensitive to reading material, meaning I am prone to psychosomatizing, I am very impressionable and highly suggestable and a book can alter my whole mood and sometimes i feel like it tranforms my brain structures. I have been feeling very frail lately, which is why i am not sure i should have been reading weber this week, which is basically nietzsche siphoned through sociological heuristic devices. simultaneously, I started reading "the wind-up bird chronicles," finally, at Andi's suggestion, which was not exactly traumatic but definitely disconcerting and surreal in an anxiety-creating way. But today i forgot to take it with me on the train, and during the day I bought "blindness," which i had been meaning to read for a while, and the F train took forever so I started reading it and it is one of the most disturbing visceral emotional freefall into darkness reading experiences I have ever had; basically within reading 60 pages I psychosomatized myself into having a full-blown anxiety attach.
See, I wonder if you could poison people with books...the literalized blueprints are there... Dumas' "Queen Margot" (good movie, better book) when King Charles is poisoned with a gift of a falcon-training hunting manual, the pages of which have been saturated with arsenic and are sticking together so that he has to lick his fingers to turn the pages, or like in "dictionary of the khazars" which has an apocryphal story about a book written in poison ink, so that everyone who read it never got past a certain page. I mean, to find a book exactly appropriate to how the person is fucked up and to drive them crazy...to poison their mind...to make them read something that through coincidence or analogy would make them wonder if the book was penned just for them and create paranoia...if it could trigger thoughts in a direction they would not go in otherwise.
Obviously, my thoughts are far from healthy at the moment.

Comments

mel-low... mel-low.

[ninjaz.livejournal.com]

I think medical texts covering multitudes of diseases are a good case in point for your "books that can make people go crazy" - when read by people with hypochondriac tendencies. Nietschze does it for me. Reading Will to Power, I experienced a profound sense of fatalistic hopelessness. I decided it was for the best to stop reading at that point.

Have you ever read anything by Neal Stephenson? Say, Snow Crash or Diamond Age?

Btw, I had this weird dream the other day that perhaps every book I've been reading was being constructed just for me as I read it, as a guide of sorts to what I should be know. And, now you mention it. Synchronicity?

Re: mel-low... mel-low.

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

yes, i've read "snowcrash" which i think is one of the most brilliant american works of sci-fi. growing up in the former soviet union i have become used to a totally different standard for sci-fi (it just had a very different sociological function there, and thus the genre itself was very different...)so i often find american sci-fi lacking, but shit, any book that can combine metafiction, babylonian mythology and the idea of language as a virus gets my praise. have not read "the diamond age" yet, but have been meaning to; got caught up in reading murakami recently, also very good.
"spring in fialta" is breathtaking beautiful, but very subtle about it...especially the last paragraph. i'll be curious to hear what you thought about it. the other stories in that book that i found truly incredible were "gods," "that in aleppo once..." (once you figure out the reference, the whole story takes on a different meaning) and "ultima thule" which i think may be the biggest mind-fuck ever written in any language.
i've read the stories, "lolita" "pnin" "despair" "transparent things" "the defense" (not one of my favorites at all), "invitation to the beheading" "the gift" (my dad teaches the last two every year in his literature classes and all his students are totally in awe) "the secret life of sebastian knight" and "ada" is a project for as soon as i am done with finals
your dream sounds very solipstitic, but i have those thoughts myself quite often, mostly because i think the right book at the right time can either transform you or fuck you up (reading milan kundera with his freudian binaries completely screwed me up when i was 17, for example). i always seek out those reading experiences, even if they are harrowing at times, because of the intensity they encompass.
i am really not a big fan of kafka...but nabokov can make anything interesting. are the lectures good? i just realized i collapsed both of your responses (here and in the nabokovia) together in writing this...oh well.

literature

[ninjaz.livejournal.com]

Diamond Age has a very strong human element to it, and was a quick read for me - both because of the compelling story and because of the liquid flow Stephenson gave it. Quite unlike the typical cheap sci-fi which focuses on the sci and adolescent fantasy. FWIW, his later works (Zodiac, Cryptomonicon) have a sort of gritty realism to them, quite unlike the glowing warmth of Snow Crash and Diamond Age. The latter two also seek to impart a fundamental knowledge of the subject matter (organic chemistry and cryptography) . What they have in common with Snow Crash and Diamond Age are Stephenson's cutting insight.

Heinlein's "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" was another I enjoyed - even if a bit political . Regarding Russian sci-fi, I've seen the film "Solaris". I think I missed something, though. i.e., in the end the man trudges off into the countryside meeting a woman, and it seems to just degenerate out into a mundane scene.

Regarding Nabokov's lecture on The Metamorphosis, I think the opening words to the lecture set the tone nicely:

Of course, no matter how keenly, how admirably, a story, a piece of music, a picture is discussed and analyzed, there will be minds that remain blank and spines that remain unkindled. "To take upon us the mystery of things"--what King Lear so wistfully says for himself and for Cordelia--this is also my suggestion for everyone who takes art seriously. A poor man is robbed of his overcoat (Gogol's "The Greatcoat," or more correctly "The Carrick"); another poor fellow is turned into a beetle (Kafka's "The Metamorphosis)—so what? There is no rational answer to "so what." We can take the story apart, we can find out how the bits fit, how one part of the pattern responds to the other; but you have to have in you some cell, some gene, some germ that will vibrate in answer to sensations that you can neither define, nor dismiss."

Regarding Kafka, one of the things I find so endearing about his works is how the characters will randomly and impudently indulge in silliness. Such as in Description of a Struggle, with a new acquaintance met at a party:

. . . it occured to me that perhaps my long body displeased him by making him feel too small. And this thought--although it was late at night and we had hardly met a soul tormented me so much taht while walking I bent my back until my hands reached my knees.
. . .
But wheeling suddenly around, he looked at me--I hadn't quite finished yet--and said: "What's this? You're all crooked! What on earth are you up to!"
"Quite right. You're very observant," said I, my head on the seam of his trousers, which was why I couldn't look up properly.
"Enough of that! Stand up straight! What nonsense!"
"No," I said, my face close to the ground, "I'll stay as I am."
"You really can annoy a person, I must say. Such a waste of time! Come on, put an end to it."
"The way you shout! In the quiet of the night!", I said.

And, in other instances, eg., in The Trial, after nervously and self-conciously considering meeting the girl who lives in the next room of the boarding house for several hours, Joseph K stumbles through an introduction with her and ends up kissing her passionately on the mouth before returning to his room. And, in The Castle, K seduces the barmaid - at the inn he's not allowed to stay in, and who happens to be the mistress of his superior. Embattled and vulnerable, they still manage such larks, and in these examples, a sort of connection.

Dreams

[ninjaz.livejournal.com]

In the dream, I became aware that I was in an immersive artificial reality as a sort of experiment. I was being contacted through the dream by whoever was running the experiment.

First, it was revealed that they didn't think the experiment was going too well. They were displeased that I hadn't gotten on better with the people they had dangled in front of me over the years. They thought that they were responding to my sensibilities by sending those that they thought would catch my fancy. There was a catch in that whatever was sent had to be internally consistent with the entire system. Eg., a phyically attractive girl would be unkind "You wanted a pretty girl, well, she's got to be this way", a doting and obsessed girl would not cultivate respect "but, you wanted one who would be nice?"

So, they thought their people (artificial intelligence constructs) may not be advanced enough to hold my interest. And were worried that my recent bouts with burnt out disinterest wouldn't resolve. They were ready to terminate the experiment - termination of reality. I was dubious - was it real or wasn't it? Agreeing would either mean returning to the actual reality or death. I decided that I would trying harder in the current reality - nothing to lose, but interesting times to gain. And, that the people who caught my eye, I would engage more seriously and empathetically. There were also "background" people, who were designed to not catch my interest but provide setting.

Somehow, showing immediate and constant progress would be necessary. For instance, tidying my neglected bachelor pad - without procrastination. And, they wanted me to focus on meaningful things - not wasting computer resources for the simulation that they'd rather use on other things. Eg., exploring a relationship with a background person who was designed to not catch my interest just for the heck of it was frivolous and wasteful.

Anyway, it seems as though it was my "inner mommy", so to speak, trying to push me in the right direction at a visceral level. Not just "knowing" what I should be doing, but not having the motivation. Instead, considering it vital to follow through. (Having a presentable apartment being a precondition to developing social relationships and happiness)

It seemed to work, too. Today my apartment is much cleaner than it was 2 days ago, and I've tended to errands I'd been neglecting.

The tie-in with the books also makes sense in that I've been seeking out the kind of thing that I've been missing. Until about six months ago, most of the stuff I would read and think about was dry technical stuff. To a fault, like Luzhin in The Defense. Things like Nabokov and soulful, emotional and artistic stuff in general being a much-needed infusion.

the mice abound

[remsaverem.livejournal.com]

funny your story about the mouse.
just recently, there was a 4 day or so strip on one of my favorite online gaming comic sites pvponline.com in which a mouse infiltrates the magazines headquarters and everyone dons their rpg gear, jumps on tables, and tries to figure out what to do about the mouse. at least you weren't in full chainmail ;) the ending involves coffee and a viking style funeral... i'll let you go check it out for the details, but i suppose its synchronicity once again. please excuse mispellings, for i've had a bit of brandy, of all things.

lets see... what else was i going to say? oh, the diamond age... not a fantastic read all in all, but it is a quick read, and there are some nice ideas in the book, although the story doesn't hold together all that well... kinda like gibson in half of his later works. i'm still waiting for someone to make me a primer... at this rate, i'll have to make it myself. have i told you to read rudy rucker yet? i think i have. the mention of kafka, sci-fi, both russian and english, made me think of one of his earlier works "white light". rucker did his phd thesis concerning some derivation of infinity and sets therein. but his main passion is writing. "white light" is a great fictional exploration into his studies, and his subsequent "ware" tetralogy is one of the best i have come across in the genre of "cyberpunk". the books are quick to read, and start off none to impressive at times, but the four together, combined with ruckers story telling ability and complete and total understanding not only of higher level math but of programming and tech in general lend a much more palpable feel to the books than many others in the genre (gibson is a visionary of sorts i suppose, but rucker gets into the muck).

i keep going to the used book store to find stanislaw lem (i'm sure i spelled that all kinds of wrong), but they don't have any in yet. currently i'm diving in for "the art of electronics" which is leeching substantially from my funding, but i might have to go ahead and buy em new.

hello ramble.

oh, and as to kundera... matt introduced me to the books, talk about multiple layers of freudian binaries...

mmmm, time for me to sleep.
much love to you lady.

Re: the mice abound

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

hiii
i sent you an email today before i realized you posted on here. the mouse is either still around or in my paranoia i am interpreting every little rustling as its movements. i took one of those stupid online tests, "what is your lucky color" and my color was brown, and so is the mouse. does that mean it's my lucky mouse? sure you are you?" and apparently i am not. here is a link:
http://www.emode.com/emode/tests/sure_you.jsp

i have not read any rucker but is he the author you and neil were talking about one of the nights i was at your house? something about hegel? because i remember that sounding interesting. funny that you said that about the primer, because my dad just asked me to put together a list of the best/most representative cyberpunk novels because it looks like he might teach a guest course on that at Moscow State Univesrity this summer while he is there teaching his summer school. i was like "um...snowcrash" the thing is, i don't really like gibson. i like the ideas but not the execution (case in point: Idoru, i adore (sorry, bad pun) some of the ideas, esp. node-hopping and the whole persona simulacra etc. but the writing kind of bored me). at this point i think i am gonna recommend "hard-boiled wonderland" to him, but i am not entirely sure what else...

you spelled lem correctly...can you order them from somewhere? i just saw a couple of old copies of his books at the strand, that big-ass used bookstore we went to, if you want i'll pick them up for you, i think they are just a couple of bucks, so it would be no big deal.

in other news, i am in allergy-land as i am every year at this time...i was over at friends' house, who live below the apartment where we are going to move into on wednesday, and the crazy girl who was living there before was moving out, i asked her if she was leaving any furniture behind, she said "you can't have it" and proceeded to THROW IT OUT OF THE THIRD STORY WINDOW. i am not kidding, we were just sitting there, drinking, watching Buffy and all of a sudden a chair flies by the window, then a bedside table, etc. then she came over and yelled at us for calling her crazy because apparently she was listening by the door.
good lord, there are some crazy fucking people.

hahahaha about matt and kundera. it's just so... poignantly appropriate. the thing is, i find a lot of what kundera writes interesting, but that's mostly stuff he writes about immigration, surveilance in a communist state, language/memory etc. the sexual dependency/alienation stuff seemed profound when i was 15. then i turned 16. i guess some people never do.
did you get the photos/tape? if not, i got a tracking number for it.
besos
nica

clarifications to the above

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

somehow my comment above got screwed up in the first paragraph
the link is for this horrible test called "are you sure you are yourself?"
and apparently i am not.
huh.

Re: clarifications to the above

[remsaverem.livejournal.com]

okay, at this point i'm really drunk and for some reason finding it easier to write you your lj than email. i blame it on pine. sometimes it just disconcerts me, and i can see your lj post and respond in some semblance of coherancy. not really, since it was one of my parents (my dads? my moms? how do i phrase it?) parties... of which a whole amalgamation of duke professors got together, got drunk, and proceeded to try and figure out my future path for me. the one thing i'm thankful for, is even in their fourties, they are still as confused as i am, so i don't feel as bad about being completely incoherent about applying to grad school. of which i'm freaking out about, but i'll discuss that with you at a later date.

rucker is hegel's great grandson i think. there might be another great in there, or perhaps none at all, but i think one great does it. as to gibson, i completely agree with you. ideas, but the execution, eh. i come away from reading his books the way i feel about my childhood, with a filter of commercial tv. ideas that ring true, overall storyline being more commercial than not. hello scotch, nice to meet you.

in the middle of the party, i went to play pool with a bunch of fools in the gaming industry. the discrepancy was palpable... to go from talking about annhilating departments in favor of a pluriversity to talking about the history of video games and the art and secrets therein is not something i could withstand without alcohol. and there was this guy, who is interesting and knows a shitload about games, but man does he talk. anyways, all that was trying to get at is what the what.

i did get the tape and the included photos and thank you!
i'm sorry to hear about the furniture and the windows.

i don't think you where in the states at the time, but there was this song that circulated around elementary schools which basically took any nursery rhyme kids are familiar with and added the chorus:

'the window
the window
the second story window
(insert lyric here ie 'jack fell down and broke his crown')
and threw it out the window'

i'll sing it for you sometime when we get into one of those horrendous singing matches.
i'm sure to win ;)

much love lady, time for me to rest my head upon... a book or a pillow.

mmmmmmmmmmmwa

(and if you can pick up lem at the strand i will surely reimburse you... and i still have that ticket to nyc... soooooo...)

andi.

Re: clarifications to the above

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

the song you quote was indeed before my time here. it sounds like one of those songs that never ends, like you can keep inserting more and more objects (ew, no, not like that, just to throw out the window!)

we had a song that never ended in russia, it went like this:
"There is a sea, there is land on the sea,
There is a palm tree on the land,
On the palm tree there is a cat that sees
The sea, and the land on the sea,
And the plam tree on the land,
On the palm tree there is a cat that sees
A caravan going across the land,
Made up of one donkey and one sheep,
You don't get this song,
So I will sing it for you again"

Perhaps I will retaliate with that in the sing-off. speaking of sing-offs, i am also trying to talk sharon into getting one of those mini-karaoke machines for the apartment. i know you don't do karaoke, but does that rule extend to home turf?

I am totally cracked out; the mouse made a reappearancde last night and as a result I could not fall asleep till 6 in the morning, it was just making this creepy sound...like it was shaking off its fur? eeek. and now i have to be awake and go to school and come back and pack...at this rate i will be institutionalized by the time my parents get here on friday.

i really like your scotch-informed description of childhood--ideas that ring true, overall storyline more commercial than not...sooo, what did the syndicate of duke professors decide is the proper course for young andrea's path? of course all academics are confused! that's because they make academics out of people like you or i, and i don't know about you, but i don't see myself not feeling confused, befuddled, or in need of some sort of existential version of the babel fish to make sense of the world any time soon.

try to not freak out too much about grad school; i know it's anxiety-producing, but i have total faith that you will get in anywhere you want to go, and you still have a bunch of time to figure out where you want to apply...we'll talk about all that later...

so which rucker book should i read first? and what do you think i should recommend to my dad for the cyberpunk list besides snowcrash?

i watched "hackers" over the weekend, and i really liked it...it seemed very unhollywood what with the aesthetic of everyone smoking all the time and being joyfully transgendered or androgynous. i am kind of impressed it got made 5 years ago.

ack. time for me to shower. i have all these aspirations to get all this shit done today so that i can relax and enjoy the new buffy tomorrow. of course, that's not gonna happen (i mean i'll still enjoy it, but i won't be relaxed)

i will pick up the lem books for you after wednesday...don't worry about reimbursing me, you can just buy me a drink when you are in new york next (hopefully soon)...did i tell you, my new place is like three minutes away from that bar "artland" where we ended up spending the new year's? i think that's gonna be my default option for my neighborhood bar, either that or a place down the street called "sin city" where the clientele is exclusively sixty-year old puerto rican men.

okay, off i go.

*mmmmmmwa*

nicachu