My favorite excerpts from Left Behind 5: Apollyon

[lapsedmodernist]

1. Buck, the formerly-thirtysomething-virgin/rogue journalist extraordinaire is rushing home in an Egyptian fighter plane (don't ask) to be present for his wife's birth--a child they are both excited about despite the fact that it won't live to be 5 (because life on earth is ending). The silver lining? "There will be no need to teach the little one of all the despair of the past, as we would if we were raising it to adulthood." Anyway, so the plane is being piloted by Abdullah, a former Arabic Muslim who is now a Brother with a Mark of the Cross on his forehead. Abdullah and Buck have to land at Heathrow en route from Israel to Prospect Heights, IL.

"Heathrow tower flatly rejected Abdullah's announced sequences. He seemed frustrated but didn't rebel. Buck wondered what he did before becoming a believer. Maybe he'd been a terrorist."

2. As the aforementioned baby is about to be born there is some completely insane subplot where Hattie, the Whorish Bride of Antichrist, has somehow invited some dude to the Tribulation Force's safe house. Our Main Hero, Rayford Steele dispatches a Tribulation Force member, Dr. Floyd, to lead the dude astray and calls his friend named T (just T, like Mr. T!) at the local airport to enlist his help. T asks what kind of vehicle Dr. Floyd is driving and what he looks like. Rayford responds:

"The Rover and you."
"Come back?"
"He's driving Buck's Rover, and he looks a lot like you."

T and Dr. Floyd are the only two black characters in the book.

Comments

mother of god...

[spawnsong.livejournal.com]

Rayford Steele (beacause all white guys are officially jealous of black porn star Lexington Steele), Buck (so as to be relatable to the readers in Tennessee), Abdullah the once probable terrorist now bearing a cross on his forehead (so as to be told apart from the rest of his heathen race), a black guy name T (a black guy that reminds them of a black guy they know from T.V. is less apt to be frightening).

You really are taking one for the team on this one.

Re: mother of god...

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

You really are taking one for the team on this one.

I am. I am glad you recognize my sacrifice.

Abdullah is my late grandfather's name which makes this even more special.

[apropos.livejournal.com]

Wait, if he's a virgin, then who's the father? Is this an immaculate conception?

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

no, dude, he is a former virgin, I mean, I guess everyone is, but at the beginning of the series he was this 30something virgin which was kind of surprising because he was all rogue and maybe a little bit of a playa and then boom! virgin! W/r/t Left Behind I think...well, I think a lot of things, but kind of like with Lara Croft 2, they really need less character development.

[bklyndispatch.livejournal.com]

I have though about reading these, but have never mustered the moral courage. I admire you bravery.

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

Thank you. As spawnsong above pointed out I am taking one for the team.

[saintpeg.livejournal.com]

The only thing that could make this better(/worse) would be if my initial mis-reading of your description was fact: that is, when I first read it I took it literally that Buck was rushing home for his WIFE'S birth.

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I just reread that and while I am not sure that what I wrote was grammatically incorrect, it is definitely ambivalent and could be read that way. I suppose if that were true it would be the mormon Left Behind.

[amadea.livejournal.com]

Buck, the formerly-thirtysomething-virgin...
I only read the first book; somehow, I have a hard time picturing Chloe knowing what to make of this.

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

What, that he was a virgin?? But she was a virgin too, in fact, the big contraversy in their courtship was whether they were going too far by holding hands or not. Everyone is a virgin except Hattie McSlut, Whorish Bride of Antichrist who spontaneously aborted the 666 Baby.

[lapsedmodernist.livejournal.com]

oh, and, got yr voicemail, left you one back just now.