This is mainly for my own entertainment
Mar. 7th, 2005 02:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lapsedmodernistApropos of my thesis on Sovietization, I am going to start rehabilitating and reupholstering old Soviet jokes, you know, the ones you don't get. The updated versions will feature the hijinks of the Bush administration. Whatever, if American can remake European auteur efforts into Hollywood paint-by-numbers, I think my project is pretty kosher by comparison.
Young Georgiy Georgievich Bush is taking a walk in a garden and sees young Laura walking her dog. He is struck by her beauty but does not know how to approach her. Finally he walks up to her and kicks her dog so hard that it goes flying across the garden. She starts crying and runs away. Later that evening young Georg Georgievich's father, Georgiy Prescotovich is schooling him in the matters of etiquette: "Son, you must be a well-mannered gentleman when you approach a lady. You should compliment her appearance and talk about the weather." The next day young Georgiy Georgievich goes walking in the garden again, and sees Laura and her dog. He walks up to her, kicks her dog again so hard that it goes flying across the garden, then takes off his hat and says "Mademoiselle, that is a lovely dress you are wearing, and by golly, the dog is flying very low today, that must mean it will rain shortly."
Q: What does not buzz and go up your ass?
A: A machine designed by this administration to buzz and go up your ass.
-Doctor, but what's wrong with me?
-Don't worry, you are a typical masochist.
-Oh, thank god, I thought I was a patriot.
Official notice on an apartment building: "Dear residents: Tomorrow for technical reasons electricity, gas, water and telephone will be shut off. Windows and doorframes will be removed and you yourselves will be gathered in the yard and executed."
This next one is a "Vovochka" joke. Vovochka is a filthy-mouthed sociopathic seven-year old precocious protagonist of many Russian jokes. Let's name Vovochka's American alter ego Sammy. Let's say this next joke takes place in Georgia:
Sammy comes home and his mother asks how school was.
Sammy says: "Well, our chemistry teacher mixed some blue liquid with some red liquid and got green liquid. We decided that she is a witch and burned her."
Newspaper headline: YESTERDAY IRAQI TERRORISTS TREACHEROUSLY ATTACHED THE UNITED STATES FIGHTERS WHO WERE PEACFULLY BOMBIMG THE OUTLYING AREAS OF BAGHDAD
One neighbour says to another: "The war on terror will only be truly won when they capture Osama Bin Laden and also that guy who shits in my elevator every week."
-Do you want the bad news or the good news first?
-The bad news.
-Okay, the bad news is that I am not going to tell you the good news.
-And the good news?
-And the good news is that I am not going to tell you the bad news.
Son: "Dad, can I have a quarter to go to the zoo and look at the python?"
Father: "No, but here is a magnifying glass. You may go out to the backyard and look at the earthworm."
Буш-младший в Белом Доме с указкой около карты мира. Рядом все пентагонские шишки.
В случайном порядке показывает на разные государства.
- Эни-бени-рики-факи,
- Буль-буль-буль-караки-шмаки,
- Буду резать, буду бить,
-Все ра-аа-вно те-ее-бя Бом-бить!!!
Young Georgiy Georgievich Bush is taking a walk in a garden and sees young Laura walking her dog. He is struck by her beauty but does not know how to approach her. Finally he walks up to her and kicks her dog so hard that it goes flying across the garden. She starts crying and runs away. Later that evening young Georg Georgievich's father, Georgiy Prescotovich is schooling him in the matters of etiquette: "Son, you must be a well-mannered gentleman when you approach a lady. You should compliment her appearance and talk about the weather." The next day young Georgiy Georgievich goes walking in the garden again, and sees Laura and her dog. He walks up to her, kicks her dog again so hard that it goes flying across the garden, then takes off his hat and says "Mademoiselle, that is a lovely dress you are wearing, and by golly, the dog is flying very low today, that must mean it will rain shortly."
Q: What does not buzz and go up your ass?
A: A machine designed by this administration to buzz and go up your ass.
-Doctor, but what's wrong with me?
-Don't worry, you are a typical masochist.
-Oh, thank god, I thought I was a patriot.
Official notice on an apartment building: "Dear residents: Tomorrow for technical reasons electricity, gas, water and telephone will be shut off. Windows and doorframes will be removed and you yourselves will be gathered in the yard and executed."
This next one is a "Vovochka" joke. Vovochka is a filthy-mouthed sociopathic seven-year old precocious protagonist of many Russian jokes. Let's name Vovochka's American alter ego Sammy. Let's say this next joke takes place in Georgia:
Sammy comes home and his mother asks how school was.
Sammy says: "Well, our chemistry teacher mixed some blue liquid with some red liquid and got green liquid. We decided that she is a witch and burned her."
Newspaper headline: YESTERDAY IRAQI TERRORISTS TREACHEROUSLY ATTACHED THE UNITED STATES FIGHTERS WHO WERE PEACFULLY BOMBIMG THE OUTLYING AREAS OF BAGHDAD
One neighbour says to another: "The war on terror will only be truly won when they capture Osama Bin Laden and also that guy who shits in my elevator every week."
-Do you want the bad news or the good news first?
-The bad news.
-Okay, the bad news is that I am not going to tell you the good news.
-And the good news?
-And the good news is that I am not going to tell you the bad news.
Son: "Dad, can I have a quarter to go to the zoo and look at the python?"
Father: "No, but here is a magnifying glass. You may go out to the backyard and look at the earthworm."
Буш-младший в Белом Доме с указкой около карты мира. Рядом все пентагонские шишки.
В случайном порядке показывает на разные государства.
- Эни-бени-рики-факи,
- Буль-буль-буль-караки-шмаки,
- Буду резать, буду бить,
-Все ра-аа-вно те-ее-бя Бом-бить!!!
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Date: 2005-03-07 08:50 pm (UTC)yours,
jesse
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Date: 2005-03-07 08:51 pm (UTC)More come in the next installment of Rehabilitated Jokes.
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Date: 2005-03-07 08:57 pm (UTC)yours,
jesse
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Date: 2005-03-07 09:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 09:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 10:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 10:20 pm (UTC)* * *
The commissar comes to inspect the farmer's crops and asks him how the turnips are doing. The farmer says, "ah, Comrade, if you were to stack the turnips into a mountain they would reach the very feet of God." The commissar looks reprovingly at the farmer and says, "but you know, Comrade, there *is* no God." The farmer replies with a smile, "yes, but there are no turnips, either."
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Date: 2005-03-08 04:52 am (UTC)The Romanian Communist Party has a recruitment drive, with incentives. You recruit one new member, you don't have to attend branch meetings for six months. Three new members, you can leave the Party altogether. Five and you get an exit visa along with a letter saying you were never a Communist, so you can emigrate to the US.
Background to Joke #2: in the 1960s, the GDR was having a hard time getting diplomatic recognition from any countries outside the Soviet bloc. Suddenly one day they got a letter from the newly sovereign Maldives Republic (population a few thousand) which had evidently relied on a prewar map and extended recognition to "Germany," capital Berlin (not Bonn.) GDR immediately reciprocated and launched a public information campaign in celebration of this great event. OK, now the joke:
Walter Ulbricht (then General Secretary of the GDR Party) arrives at his office early one morning and greets the soldier on sentry duty. When he leaves, late in the evening, same soldier is on duty. Same again next day and the next. Finally Ulbricht asks why such long duty hours. "I'm on punishment detail, Comrade General Secretary." "And what are you being punished for?" "I didn't know where the Maldives were." Ulbricht (fluting Saxon voice which Berliners found very funny) "Nej nej nej, das ist nicht in Ordnung, nicht in Ordnung... a soldier must always know where his equipment is."
no subject
Date: 2005-03-10 02:54 am (UTC)eenie meenie miney moe,
catch...
whoeverthem furrners by the toedrop the bombs and on we go
eenie meenie miney moe!
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Date: 2005-03-10 09:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-13 12:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-19 03:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-19 03:13 pm (UTC)