You won't get it anyway

Просыпается Василий Иванович после страшной пьянки. Спрашивает Петьку:
- Слушай кто мне фингал поставил?
Петька говорит:
- Я!
- За что?
Когда ты посуду перебил, я сдержался, но когда ты насрал в угол, повтыкал в говно спичек и сказал: "Этот ежик будет жить с нами!!!" Я не сдержался


The above Russian joke just arrived in my inbox. I will translate it for you people, and even give you context necessary to understand it. But you won't get it anyway.

Okay, so the joke is from the series of jokes about Vasiliy Ivanovich, a.k.a. V.I.Chapayev^*, a famous Red Army Commander during the Civil War and a Hero of the Revolution featured in many Soviet films and books. The jokes usually involve him, his right-hand assistant Petka and occasionally Anka who wields a machine gun. Obviously, the jokes are always completely sacrleligious and absurd.


Vasiliy Ivanovich wakes up with a terrible hangover and does not remember anything from the night before. He asks Petka:
-Listen, who gave me a black eye?
Petka says:
-I did.
-For what?
-When you broke all the dishes I contained myself. But when you took a dump in the corner, stuck a bunch of matches into the pile of shit^** and said "this hedgehog is going to live with us from now on!" I couldn't help myself.

<sup>*

**</sup>Soviet/Russian matches are wooden and hard and therefore it would be possible to stick them into shit or anything of analogous viscosity(?).