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Nov. 21st, 2002 12:58 pmthis something i wrote a couple of months ago for andi's cyberbaby, decry.org
i meant to post it here, and then i forgot. however, i suppose i should (esp. since i had yet another encounted with someone i immediately diagnosed to be a lapsed catholic at the bar last night, when he commented on my outfit, and said that he could not tell if i was dressed as a good girl trying to dress a little bad, or a bad girl trying to look like a good girl. the fuck?)
anyway...
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For The Girls: How To Tell If Your Date Is A Lapsed Catholic: A Questionnaire
As we trudge along in our dating (mis)adventures, we all develop screening abilities, designed to hone in on qualities that may cause problems down the rode. Some of them are fairly obvious and corporeally evident: i.e. perseverance of uniformly black clothing (unless they are in mourning), track marks on the arms and other more interesting places, a portable collection of Nietzsche's collected works, propensity to start sentences with a defensive "it's NOT a cult," etc. However, there is one truly insidious category of potential partners that is less evident, but may prove to be detrimental--the ex-Catholics. These are the men raised within a cosmological framework that pivots around guilt as modus operandi. These men, subsequently, go to college, or read too much Camus, or Ayn Rand, or whatever, and consciously reject the theological cornerstones on which they were raised, and consider themselves "cured." However, while the theological elements go out the window, the practice of Catholicism as a constructive and interpretive framework, with the perpetual dialectic of guilt and redemption as its central axis, remains imbedded in the subconscious, and WILL affect your relationship.
With that in mind, I designed a sure-fire questionnaire, designed to identify the lapsed Catholics early on, because, well, forewarned is forearmed.
1. Ask them if they have ever seen the film Magnolia. Ask them if they loved it. Lapsed Catholics tend to think that it's the best movie ever, and that it truly speaks to them. Ask them what their favorite scene from the film was. If their favorite part involved the cop and the drug-addicted girl, then it's serious.
2. Ask them if they have ever read "Kissing in Manhattan" by David Schickler. If their favorite story in the collection is "Duty," run for the hills (this subcategory of people may also feel an overidentification with the work of Bret Easton Ellis, and a hybrid of American-Psycho-type alienation fused with remnants of Catholicism is not pretty to behold).
3. Ask them if they ever do things on purpose to make themselves feel guilty, so that they know what they are feeling guilty about, and can in some way redeem themselves. Ex-Catholics tend to feel guilty all the time, so they will often do certain things so that they will at least be able to assign and project the guilt onto something specific.
4. Attempt to identify if they have a madonna/whore complex. Ask them if they mentally divide women into women they can date, and women they can sleep with. Ask them if they will think the girl is "easy" if she sleeps with them early on. Ask them if they ever cheat on their girlfriends, and if they have better sex when they cheat than when they are in the relationship. Ex-Catholics usually have good sex only in the context of flings or affairs--i.e. with "whores," and the sex with girlfriends, aka "madonnas" is mediocre.
After administering this questionnaire, you will have a better idea if your date is a lapsed Catholic, with all the accompanying accouterment. Beware that they tend to find their issues and ways of conduct mysterious and unique, so engaging them in this conversation may make them feel like you Truly Understand them, and that you see into their soul like no one else has been able to. This may make them want to date you. Don't--if they are a true ex-Catholic, stick to a non-conventional relationship. At least that way you'll get good sex out of it.
i meant to post it here, and then i forgot. however, i suppose i should (esp. since i had yet another encounted with someone i immediately diagnosed to be a lapsed catholic at the bar last night, when he commented on my outfit, and said that he could not tell if i was dressed as a good girl trying to dress a little bad, or a bad girl trying to look like a good girl. the fuck?)
anyway...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For The Girls: How To Tell If Your Date Is A Lapsed Catholic: A Questionnaire
As we trudge along in our dating (mis)adventures, we all develop screening abilities, designed to hone in on qualities that may cause problems down the rode. Some of them are fairly obvious and corporeally evident: i.e. perseverance of uniformly black clothing (unless they are in mourning), track marks on the arms and other more interesting places, a portable collection of Nietzsche's collected works, propensity to start sentences with a defensive "it's NOT a cult," etc. However, there is one truly insidious category of potential partners that is less evident, but may prove to be detrimental--the ex-Catholics. These are the men raised within a cosmological framework that pivots around guilt as modus operandi. These men, subsequently, go to college, or read too much Camus, or Ayn Rand, or whatever, and consciously reject the theological cornerstones on which they were raised, and consider themselves "cured." However, while the theological elements go out the window, the practice of Catholicism as a constructive and interpretive framework, with the perpetual dialectic of guilt and redemption as its central axis, remains imbedded in the subconscious, and WILL affect your relationship.
With that in mind, I designed a sure-fire questionnaire, designed to identify the lapsed Catholics early on, because, well, forewarned is forearmed.
1. Ask them if they have ever seen the film Magnolia. Ask them if they loved it. Lapsed Catholics tend to think that it's the best movie ever, and that it truly speaks to them. Ask them what their favorite scene from the film was. If their favorite part involved the cop and the drug-addicted girl, then it's serious.
2. Ask them if they have ever read "Kissing in Manhattan" by David Schickler. If their favorite story in the collection is "Duty," run for the hills (this subcategory of people may also feel an overidentification with the work of Bret Easton Ellis, and a hybrid of American-Psycho-type alienation fused with remnants of Catholicism is not pretty to behold).
3. Ask them if they ever do things on purpose to make themselves feel guilty, so that they know what they are feeling guilty about, and can in some way redeem themselves. Ex-Catholics tend to feel guilty all the time, so they will often do certain things so that they will at least be able to assign and project the guilt onto something specific.
4. Attempt to identify if they have a madonna/whore complex. Ask them if they mentally divide women into women they can date, and women they can sleep with. Ask them if they will think the girl is "easy" if she sleeps with them early on. Ask them if they ever cheat on their girlfriends, and if they have better sex when they cheat than when they are in the relationship. Ex-Catholics usually have good sex only in the context of flings or affairs--i.e. with "whores," and the sex with girlfriends, aka "madonnas" is mediocre.
After administering this questionnaire, you will have a better idea if your date is a lapsed Catholic, with all the accompanying accouterment. Beware that they tend to find their issues and ways of conduct mysterious and unique, so engaging them in this conversation may make them feel like you Truly Understand them, and that you see into their soul like no one else has been able to. This may make them want to date you. Don't--if they are a true ex-Catholic, stick to a non-conventional relationship. At least that way you'll get good sex out of it.
